Monday, November 14, 2005

Vees and triangles: variations to adultery

They call it Polyamorous, the post-modern family: teams of three or more lovers who are in open, committed emotional and/ or sexual relationships where all parties know about the relations each has with the other lovers. Sounds like an abomination from the Old Testament or a fantasyland created by Playboy, right? Nope, it's a growing trend, especially here in my backyard, my beautiful New York City.

This is not normal. It is the case of one or both lovers having and unhealthy and dis-ordered emotional or sexual attachment to a person other than his or her spouse. What it amounts to in reality is adultery.

Maintaining friendships while married is important. A husband should have, but not be overly committed to, his male friends as well as be able to have close friendships with his female family members, such as sisters, sisters-in-law and cousins. The same goes for the wife. She should have friendships with her other female friends, especially those who are mothers like herself. She should also be able to maintain healthy, proper friendships with her male relatives.

But, when any of these relationships turn into unhealthy homo- or heterosexual love interests, whether emotional or sexual, both husband and wife have failed to understand their vocation, the call to chastity within marriage as well as the necessity of fidelity within marriage.

Unfortunately, these types of deviant loves are to be expected. There is no fulfillment in relationships because people marry for lust not love. People are confused as to what makes them happy. After a series of sexually deviant behaviors, people will sooner or later come to realize that the only fulfillment is in a God-centered relationship of love, sacrifice and service. If they marry for love, they would be fulfilled and happy.

Lust, on the other hand, is the trend of divorcing love from suffering. It only seeks good feelings with another person without concern for what is good for that person. To truly love someone is to will the good for them and to desire to serve that person. It is not about feelings, and doesn't hinge on communication. It is not jealous, nor does it justify jealousy by transforming it into "compersion," the polyamorous term that refers to the ability to use jealousy as a means to derive personal joy from the one's lovers other love interest.

What is first, husband and wife must be in love with God before they can be in love with one another. Only then can they truly be satisfied with their love relationship.

The hope is too, for those who feel overly tempted by the "feel-good," all-emotional temptations of lust and those who have been hurt, abused and molested by the modern notion of lust: asking God to restore and renew your heart according to His will.

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